


The Body Snatcher Conundrum

by devilbk



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-14
Packaged: 2017-12-28 15:33:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 19,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devilbk/pseuds/devilbk
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Penny has been back from Nebraska for a couple of months after helping her father out after her mother filed for divorce. She discovers that her life at 2311 N. Los Robles is a now television show and she has nothing to do with it. And instead of being a waitress her character on the show is a stripper. What can she do about it? How can her friends help? Rating changed from M to T but there is some language.</p><p>This is a continuation of The Pasadena/Omaha Inversion. I suggest you read that story before you read this one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Maternal Injection

_This is a continuation of The Pasadena/Omaha Inversion. I suggest you read that story before you read this one._

**The Body Snatcher Conundrum**

**Chapter One: The Maternal Injection**

_Pasadena, 2311 N. Robles Ave,.Apartment 4B. The present._

Penny had been back from Nebraska for a couple of months. Most everything was back to normal. She was back at The Cheesecake Factory. She was going to auditions and not getting the parts. She was about to go back to school again. She was behind on her rent. She hadn’t paid her cable bill. And she hadn’t yet begun to pay Sheldon back for paying her rent after he mother suddenly moved out.

She also hadn’t had a drink since she’d returned to Pasadena.

Her dad was still doing fine in Omaha. He also wasn’t drinking and he was continuing to attend AA meetings and counseling. He was actually moving on with his life after his wife had left him for Pasadena and served him with divorce papers. Which he still hadn’t signed.

And she had absolutely no idea where her mom was and didn’t even know where to start looking until she got an email from her that very day.

“Hi honey. Sorry I haven’t been in touch. I’ve been really busy. I’ll call soon. BTW, I’m on a new TV show that starts tonight called “It’s Chemistry.” Let me know what you think.

Love, Mom”

Holy crap on a cracker! Her mother was on a TV show? Penny had been working for something like that for over 10 years getting almost nothing and her mother is on a TV show!

Penny checked the listings and walked over to Apartment 4A.

“Hi Leonard. Is Sheldon here?”

“Hi Penny. Listen, can we talk? I really miss you and I really want to fix whatever the problem is so we can get back to where we were before the summer.”

Penny still hadn’t had the conversation with Leonard that she’d promised herself to have, though conversations were not something they had really ever done anyway. Their “relationship” was still “on pause” where she left it after his disastrous visit to Omaha and though she had been tempted to go to bed with him to relieve some stress she was proud of herself that she hadn’t done that so far. Horny, but proud.

“Not now, Leonard. Is Sheldon in his room?”

“Yeah.”

While she was in Nebraska Penny had come to the realization that Sheldon was her best and closest friend. He always challenged her but supported her at the same time. He was always there for her. They did their laundry together every Saturday night even when she was back home in Omaha. Laundry time had turned into a code for the time when Sheldon and Penny were absolutely honest with each other. All the barriers came down, even Sheldon’s incredibly formidable ones. Truth be told, Penny loved Sheldon, probably as much more than a friend, but she was determined not to screw up their friendship, literally. She already had a pretty good example of what a screwed up friendship looked like in Leonard.

Better still was that Sheldon’s girlfriend, Amy Farrah Fowler, self-appointed “bestie” to Penny, just loved that her boyfriend and her “bestie” were good friends. It helped keep Penny from doing anything stupid. Not drinking any more helped too.

Penny knocked on and opened Sheldon’s door at the same time.

“Nobody can be in my room. Oh, it’s you, Penny.”

“Hi, Moonpie! Can you do me a favor tonight?”

“Only Meemaw can call me Moonpie. And I will endeavor to do you a favor if I am able.”

“I got an email from my Mom saying she’s on a TV show tonight, my cable is out and I’m working late.”

Penny took care to bury the lede, but Sheldon picked up on it anyway.

“Would you like me to pay your cable bill?”

“No, Sheldon. I’d like you to DVR the program if you aren’t DVRing anything else tonight.”

“Penny, this would not be a problem if you paid your cable bill, but as I have nothing programmed for tonight I’ll be able to record your program. I do hope, however, that it’s not another documentary about the Jersey Shore, house with starving models or panel discussion about shoes.”

“It’s none of those things, Sheldon. It’s a new sitcom called “It’s Chemistry.” I don’t really know anything else other than it’s on TBS at 10pm. I’m off tomorrow so we can watch it together then if you like.”

“That would be acceptable. I’ll see you tomorrow, Penny.”

“Thanks, Moonpie. See you tomorrow.”

“Only Meemaw…oh, what’s the use.”

Penny was already gone and didn’t even acknowledge Leonard as she walked out the front door.

“I still have absolutely no idea what I did that was so wrong.” Leonard said out loud. 


	2. The Early Morning Revelation

**Chapter Two: The Early Morning Revelation**

_The next day._

Penny had gotten home late from The Cheesecake Factory on Friday so she slept late. Well, late considering she had recently returned from spending eight months on a farm. She woke up at 9am. These days she usually woke up at 7am. Gone were the days that she slept until 11am, threatening any who disturbed her before that magic hour. She found that once she stopped drinking to excess she didn’t have a need to sleep that late. She still wasn’t really a morning person but she hadn’t told anyone of the change in her sleeping regimen. Mornings before 11 became Penny Time, a time for her to do things that had become important to her, some new and some that hadn’t been devoting enough time to previously. She exercised. She did homework when she was taking classes. She wrote. She scoured the papers and appropriate internet boards for upcoming auditions. She spoke with her dad almost every day. Sometimes she even cleaned her apartment.

She left her apartment at 11 knowing Sheldon had been up for hours.

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

“Good morning, Penny. You look very chipper for someone who just woke up.”

“Sheldon, I’m gonna tell you a little secret…”

“Stop right there, Penny. You know I don’t like secrets or secret-keeping and I hereby reject your proffer of a secret.”

“Moonpie, you’re full of crap and you know it. The entire time I was home in Nebraska you knew exactly what was going on with me and with my dad. We spoke at least once a week and, believe me, I told you things that I didn’t tell any other living person and I know for a fact that you didn’t share one iota of what I told you with anyone, not even your “best friend” Leonard or your girlfriend, Amy. And I know exactly how much you shared with Amy because she told me.”

“Penny, a good part of that time I was home alone so there was no one to tell. Even when Leonard came home he was hardly ever here because he was working with the information from the expedition or socializing with people from it or others. And he was communicating with you regularly so he presumed, however erroneously, he knew all there was to know of your activities and never questioned me on the matter. Once he returned from his ill-fated excursion to the American heartland to visit you he kept to his room and primarily grunted, which is not a language I’ve ever taken the time to learn. Then he returned to working and socializing and engaging in coitus and I think I’ve said too much.”

“Sheldon, after seven years I think I have a pretty good idea of what Leonard’s priorities are. Leonard, work and sex. Actually, Leonard, sex and work, in that order. I used to think I was one of his priorities but I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m only a subset of one of his priorities, and a convenient one at that. That’s pretty much why we really aren’t speaking or, well, anything…”

“So has your relationship reached its inevitable conclusion?”

“I think it did that a while ago, Moonpie. I just haven’t had the energy for the final confrontation. I know he says he’s waiting for me to be ready to get back together but I really know, and you just confirmed, that he wasn’t really waiting at all. Now where were we before we got on the subject of Leonard again?”

“You were attempting to proffer a secret and I was endeavoring to stymie that proffer.”

“Oh, right. Anyway, sweetie, I don’t really sleep until 11 anymore. I’m usually up at 7, though today I slept until 9 because I was really beat. I just found that since everyone thinks I sleep until 11 it gives me some personal time to take care of things without being disturbed. You of all people should appreciate that. I’ll admit, though, I’m still not especially friendly before 11. Now, I would still prefer that most people not know about this because it would kind of defeat the purpose of Penny Time. I don’t expect you to lie about it. Everybody assumes I sleep late. Just don’t offer them an opportunity to think different.”

“-ly. Differently, Penny.”

“Right. So will you keep my secret?”

“I would prefer to think of it as a piece of personal information that only you can share with others, much like I treated the information about your father’s drinking problem.”

“Thank you, Sheldon. You’re a good friend. Now were you able to DVR my mom’s show.”

“I did. I have not yet watched it, though.”

“How about we watch it now? I think she’s going to call me to ask about it and I’d rather avoid telling her I haven’t. We have other, more important things to discuss which have waited far too long.”

“I understand.”

They moved over to the couch. Sheldon sat in his spot and Penny sat in hers, right next to him.

 


	3. The Ecdysiastic Transformation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reviews I got today were so heartening I thought I'd give you a bit more. Enjoy.

**Chapter Three: The Ecdysiastic Transformation**

The program began with two young men walking down the hall arguing about something science-y, maybe chemistry. After all, the show was called “It’s Chemistry.” And Penny didn’t have to wait long to see her mom. She was in the very second scene, playing a nurse/receptionist working on a crossword puzzle. There was something bothering Penny about the scene but she couldn’t put her finger on it. She concentrated on her mother’s performance, which was, to use a Sheldon term, adequate. After all, her mom wasn’t an actress. She could also feel Sheldon begin to tense up. One of the men butted in finishing her mom’s crossword puzzle and then they asked whether this was the high-iq sperm bank, then argued about sperm and left. The next scene moved to group of stairs that the two men from the previous scene were climbing, still arguing. This time about stairs. When they reached their destination they saw an open door with a young and very shapely blond unpacking boxes. She looked like she had just moved in. Sheldon tensed even more and Penny started to tense up herself.

“New neighbor?’

“Evidently”

“Significant improvement over the old neighbor.”

“Two hundred pound transvestite with a skin condition? Yes she is.”

“Oh, hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

“Hi?”

At this point, both Sheldon’s and Penny’s mouths were, in the world of emoticons, colon capital O.

Sheldon paused the DVR.

“Penny, why is our first meeting on television?”

“Sheldon, I don’t know. For a minute I thought it was just a coincidence and now I’m really confused. Let’s watch the rest of it and see what happens.”

Penny started to think her eventual discussion with her mother was going to be very different from what she’d previously expected it to be. And a lot louder.

The program continued and replayed Penny’s first meeting with Sheldon and Leonard almost verbatim. The names were changed. Penny was now Patsy. Leonard was Bernard. Sheldon was Newton.

And Patsy wasn’t a waitress. She was still an actress, though.

“THEY MADE ME A STRIPPER!!!”

“Penny, they didn’t make you a stripper. Someone named Patsy, a character on a situation comedy called who is remarkably like you in appearance is a stripper. And two men who are chemistry teachers called Bernard and Newton are remarkably like Leonard and myself. And Penny, these people aren’t just similar to us. They are speaking words that came out of our mouths. And the remaining details of the episode replicate almost exactly what happened when we first met, with the exception of their friend Hector who resembles Howard recognizing you from a strip club the character frequents. How could this happen? Did you share this information with your mother?”

“Sheldon, Yes I told my mother what happened but I never shared so much detail with her. Let’s look at the credits again. Maybe we can learn something from that because I don’t think there’s any way this came from my mother.”

And then she saw it.

“Executive Producer & Writer: Paul Hernly.”

And she started to cry.

“Sheldon, I know where it came from.”

“Penny, why are you crying?”

“Because I wrote it.”

 


	4. The “It’s Chemistry” Conundrum

**Chapter Four: The “It’s Chemistry” Conundrum**

Penny was still crying. And she was angry. And she was confused. She stamped around apartment 4A, not really knowing what to do next. Then she ran across to her apartment and returned with a thick catalogue.

“Penny, how is it possible for you to write a television program and not know? And why would you include characters that are very much like Leonard and myself without informing us?” Sheldon queried.

“But before you respond, here are some tissues. Please sit down and try to calm yourself while I prepare you a hot beverage.”

“Sheldon, I don’t want a hot beverage!”

“Not optional, Penny. You know that very well.”

“Okay.”

Penny sat down next to Sheldon’s spot and wiped her face with a tissue and tried to organize her thoughts.

Sheldon brought Penny a cup of tea. Penny found that she was actually calming down.

“Okay, now Sheldon you know I’ve been taking some college courses.”

“Of course. And you’ve enlisted Bernadette and Amy to assist you with the assignments.”

“Sheldon, I did that once and felt really bad about it afterwards. I did another paper on my own for extra credit to make up for that and got a B-. I just didn’t mention it to anyone.”

“Anyway, remember when we first met I told you and Leonard that I was writing a screenplay?”

“Of course I remember. What would you ask such a question? It was about a girl who was not you who came from Nebraska but not Omaha to California to become an actress while she worked at The Cheesecake Factory.”

“Close enough. Well, I thought that if I took a script-writing class I could finish my screenplay and maybe shop it around and, if I could sell it, convince whoever bought it to cast me in it.”

“That seem like a rather roundabout plan but please proceed.”

“Okay, well City College was offering a summer workshop in screenplay and script writing so I thought that with Leonard away I’d have time to take it so I did.”

“And did you complete your screenplay?”

“Yeah, uh, no. I didn’t. I pulled it out and read it through after having not looked at it for a long time and, well, it was crap. And way too much of it was about her boyfriend who was not Kurt and how wonderful he was. Um, I burned it.”

“What did you write about?”

“I thought about it for a long time and I was kinda stuck. The teacher said I should write what I know. Well, one thing I know is that my life got a whole lot better the day I moved in and met you and Leonard. Over the years you’ve told me everything that happened before you met me that day and I know what happened when you went to Kurt’s for my TV so I knew pretty much everything that happened to all the characters.”

“Not everything”

“Well, yeah, not every single word, but I could guess. And I heard Leonard call “dibs” and talk about “our children” being beautiful and smart. I actually thought that was cute. But a little creepy, too.”

“Anyway, I wrote about our first day together as a script and turned it in. I was pretty proud of it. But then all that stuff happened with my parents and I went home and never finished the class. Never even got my grade on the script.”

“But how did it get produced and end up on my television?”

“The teacher was Paul Hernly, who is apparently the executive producer of “It’s Chemistry.”

Penny opened up the catalogue she had brought over from her apartment and showed Sheldon a photograph of Paul Hernly.

“This is him, Sheldon. He was a good teacher, at least for what I was there for.”

Sheldon looked at the photograph and then looked back at Penny.

“Penny, this man visited your mother when she was staying in your apartment. Several times. And I observed him departing the apartment on more than one occasion.”

“Holy crap on a cracker!”

“Sheldon, what am I going to do?”

“Penny, there are a number of different issues in this situation. One, did Paul Hernly take a project written as an academic assignment by another and claim it as his own? This would be a violation of the teacher/student relationship. Two, did he profit from said assignment? This would impact the relationship between the teacher and the teaching institution. Three, did Paul Hernly misrepresent the facts when he sold the script to whoever produced it as a television show? Four, where is Paul Hernly getting the inspiration for subsequent scripts? I noticed that next week’s episode involves Patsy getting angry with her new neighbors when they clean her apartment while she is asleep. So apparently, he knows about more than just the script you turned in. And finally, what is your mother’s connection with all of this?

“Sheldon, that’s a lot of stuff to figure out. And Mr. Hernly is a lot smarter than me.”

“Penny, Paul Hernly did not only steal from you. He stole from Leonard, Howard, Raj and myself. Each one of us alone, even Howard, is more intelligent and more accomplished than he. And together we are infinitely smarter than he and I am sure we will be able to see justice done. However, this will mean getting the others involved, possibly Bernadette and Amy, and maybe others. Penny, We will be you C-Men!”

“Not sure that’s gonna work, Sheldon.”

“Perhaps you’re correct. I will work up some alternate proposals”

“You do that, Moonpie.”

“One more thing, Penny. This may require you to speak with Leonard.”

“I know. I was thinking that. But we have to speak sooner or later. And it looks like circumstances are making it sooner. Is everyone coming over for Thai food Monday?”

“I believe so. I will endeavor to find out and encourage full attendance.”

“I’ll try to find my mother and find out what she has to do with this.”

“Penny, I suggest you wait. I understand that it is your mother and you do not wish to think ill of her, but we do not know what her relationship with this Hernly fellow is or whether she is in any way involved in what he has done. She did, after all, appear on the program.”

“You’re right, Sheldon. I’ll try to find out where she is but I won’t contact her until after we’ve discussed it Monday.”

Penny also decided that there was no way she could discuss any of this with her dad. At least not yet.

Sheldon sent an email to the group.

Emergency Meeting Monday!

Thai Food to be Served

Attendance is Mandatory!

Homework Assignment: Watch “It’s Chemistry” television program. Follow the link below for airtimes. Do not discuss with anyone before Monday’s Meeting Under Penalty of Junior Rodeo and/or Banishment. You have been warned.

Thank You.

 


	5. The 2311 North Los Robles Apartment 4A Compact

**Chapter Five: The 2311 North Los Robles Apartment 4A Compact**

 

The gang started filing in Monday night. When Howard and Bernadette arrived Penny walked up, gave Bernadette a hug and then slapped Howard.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Penny, why did you slap my husband?

“It was, um, pre-emptive.”

“Penny, I’m not the one who talked about you being a stripper. The character who seems to have been based on me on the program talked about it. Though it’s not like I haven’t thought you could make some good money if you did that. I could turn you onto some contacts…”

And Bernadette slapped Howard.

“I get it, Penny. Sometimes my Howie forgets that he shouldn’t share all of the thoughts in his head, especially the perverted ones, in public.”

“Sheldon,” said Amy, “I don’t understand why you required that we watch that television program. It was low-brow comedy at best. The only thing it had in its favor was that the characters coincidentally resemble you guys. Do you know any of the people involved? Is that why we had to watch it?”

“Amy, I sort of wrote it.”

“Bestie, I’m so proud of you. Why didn’t you tell us? I can’t wait to watch it again.”

“I didn’t tell you, or anyone, because I didn’t know.”

“Huh?”

Sheldon stood up. “Everybody get your food and sit down. Penny and I will explain everything because all you will be receiving assignments.”

“Penny, if you wrote it why wasn’t your name on it?” asked Raj.

“And why did you make yourself a stripper instead of a waitress?” asked Howard.

“And why did you make them Chemistry teachers instead of physicists?” asked Bernadette.

“And why was it such a big secret. Even from your bestie.” Asked Amy, sounding hurt.

“Okay, I wrote it and I didn’t write it.”

“No, it has to be one or the other.” Offered Leonard. “It can’t be both,” he said with certainty and a knowing, superior grin.

Sheldon piped in. “Actually, Leonard, in this case it most certainly is both. Penny wrote the original script and then “adjustments” were theoretically made by the person credited with writing the script, one Paul Hernly.”

“I still don’t understand why it was such a big secret.” said Amy.

“Penny would you like to explain or shall I.”

“I’ll do it, Sheldon. I’m going to try to keep it short. This summer I took a writing course. Paul Hernly was my teacher.”

“And I was away and I bet you slept with him! That’s why you’re not speaking to me. You feel guilty!” yelled Leonard.

“No, Leonard. He was my teacher and nothing but my teacher. And do me a favor, keep your head out of my pants while we discuss this. We can talk about other stuff later.”

“You keep saying later but here we are months later and no talking.”

Sheldon interrupted.

“Leonard, really. There are issues we need to discuss which are more important than coitus though I understand why you wouldn’t think that.”

“Can we get back to what I was saying?”

“That would be _coitus interruptus_ again.” joked Howard.

“Howard! Grow up!” yelled Bernadette.

“Okay. Moving on. One of the assignments for my class was to write a script for a half-hour comedy. I decided to write about the day that I moved in and met the guys. I was pretty proud of what I came up with and I turned it in. But right about then I had to go back to Omaha to take care of my dad. So I never went back to class or even got my grade on the script. Anyway, the other day I got an email from my mom saying she was going to be on that show “It’s Chemistry.”

“Ooooh. Which one was she, Penny?” asked Amy.

“She was the nurse at the beginning. So, anyway, I had to work that night and Sheldon DVR’d it for me. We watched it on Saturday and that’s when I found out about it. So I wasn’t keeping a secret. I didn’t even know. Paul Hernly took my script and sold it. And I saw what some of the upcoming episodes will be and it’s all stuff that happened to me and us and I don’t even know how he found out any of this stuff. Paul Hernly stole my life, our lives.”

“And he made me a stripper!”

“I want to invoke the Body Snatcher Clause of your Roommate Agreement, Sheldon!”

Bernadette offered, “You’re right. There’s something wrong going on here. At the very least you should be getting paid and get a credit. Since she was in it, have you asked your mom?”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t spoken to my mom since I left for Omaha. I’m still pretty pissed at her about how she treated Dad.”

“And I suspect that Penny’s mother may be in a relationship possibly including coitus with this Paul Hernly. I observed him departing the apartment very late on more than one occasion.” said Sheldon.

“Well, like daughter, like mother!”

Penny stared at Leonard, burst into tears and ran out of the apartment.

“LEONARD!!!”

Bernadette and Amy quickly rose and headed across to Penny’s apartment to calm her.

Sheldon rose. “Leonard, this stops now! I promised Penny that I would not get involved but you are behaving like a petulant child. You are by no means the injured party in what happened between Penny and yourself. You are the one who caused the damage when you decided to “surprise” Penny in Omaha and take her recovering alcoholic father out for an evening of drinking in order to “bond” with, as you put it your, “future father-in-law.” And you expected to be rewarded for that with coitus by Penny. You damaged your relationship with Penny and her relationship with her father. And you set his recovery back months.”

“Well Penny never told me about that stuff.”

“You never asked her, Leonard. You never once asked her why she was in Omaha for so long. You never asked her why she wasn’t drinking then and still isn’t. You have always only been concerned with your side of the relationship and never with hers. Well right now Penny needs us. She needs all of us. She is our friend and she has been wronged and I am determined to help make it right. And I would appreciate your help, all of your help in making that happen.”

“Okay, Sheldon. You’re right. My thing with Penny is a separate issue and we should discuss it privately. I should never have brought our “baggage” into this. I don’t know how but I’d still like to help if I can.”

“First, I think you should apologize to Penny for the cruel things you’ve said to her this evening. If I were her I wouldn’t forgive such behavior, but that is entirely up to her.”

“Thank you, Sheldon.”

Everyone turned to see Penny, Bernadette and Amy standing in the doorway. Penny’s eyes were still puffy and red.

 “Leonard, I think Sheldon has pretty much summed up everything I have to say to you right now. I don’t need your apology but I would still appreciate your help. I’d really appreciate everyone’s help. Sheldon…”

“One of our greatest adversaries in this situation is ignorance. There is a great deal of information we do not have and will need to gather before we can take any action at all. I have prepared assignments for all of you. While I may have knowledge of the universe and everything in it, the world of television comedy is not one I am intimately familiar with so if any of you can think of something I may have missed, please let me or Penny know.”

“I am aware that a great deal of information can be gathered on the internet and I have already begun to gather it. I will email you PDFs and links. Howard, we will need no further information on stripping, strip clubs or any related matters and certainly no photographs.”

“Leonard, please speak with your brother, the law professor and sister-in-law the judge concerning the legal aspects of what has happened and what remedies may exist and your mother about the academic ramifications.”

“Raj, please contact the people you met at People Magazine and gather any information you can on the program “It’s Chemistry” and any connected to it. I understand the same publisher has another magazine called Entertainment Weekly which may also be helpful.”

“Howard, please speak with Dr. Gabelhauser about the academic ramifications of Paul Hernly’s actions.”

“Amy if you could please also explore the academic ramifications with your contacts, especially those at City College.”

“Bernadette, I would appreciate if you could help Penny assemble a time line of her activities regarding the original script and the events it portrays, gathering as much evidence as possible.”

“Sheldon, some of that stuff is with the materials I asked you to store before I left for Omaha.”

“Yes, Penny. The notebooks and diaries are in my room, unread I might add. The flash drives and your jewelry, however, are in my safety deposit box.”

“Right now I don’t care about the jewelry. But the flash drives have copies of all the notes on my laptop and the final script.”

“Penny, I have not visited my safety deposit box since the day after you departed for Omaha. It occurs to me that could serve as an _ad hoc_ copyright, since access to my safety deposit box is recorded by the bank. For now I think it best they remain exactly where they are. Leonard, could you please confirm with your brother that I’m correct in this regard.”

“Penny will attempt to gather whatever information she can from her mother.”

“I will coordinate the dissemination of information and with Penny formulate a strategy.”

You all have your assignments. Please share your results as you get them. When speaking to those outside of our group please be careful what information you share. This may end up being a legal proceeding and it’s best if we keep things “close to the vest” so to speak.

 “Our manifesto is to restore to Penny her good name, her reputation and any compensation due her and to utterly destroy Paul Hernly for his crimes against our friend.”

“The first meeting of the Penny Revenge Squad is now concluded.”


	6. The Maternal Communication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI, the title Penny Revenge Squad is based on stories appearing in Silver Age DC Superman comics.

**Chapter Six: The Maternal Communication**

Penny and Bernadette stayed behind to speak with Sheldon.

“Sheldon, thank you so much for organizing all of this. I don’t know what I could have done on my own.”

“As I’ve told you many times Penny, you are my friend. Is this not what friends do for each other?”

“Yes, Sheldon. But you have gone way beyond that. Between what you did last summer and what you’re doing now…”

“Penny, we are all helping. Even Leonard. But we have much to do. While we know where Paul Hernly got the first episode of his television program, we do not know where he gathered the information for subsequent episodes, which seem to also have been drawn from our lives. Did you give him any additional information?”

“No, Sheldon. I’m sure of it. I think you have all of my diaries. Why don’t I take those back and take a look at what’s in them? Maybe something will come to me.”

Penny went back to her apartment and turned on her laptop. There was another email from her mother.

“Hi Sweetie.

How did you like the show? I was really nervous but it looks like it’s a hit and maybe I’ll get some more acting work. Would you like to get together for lunch? I have something important to discuss with you.

Love,

Mom”

“Bernie, what should I do?”

“I’m not sure, but I think you should have lunch with her. Sheldon said to gather as much information as we can. This is a chance to do that. But for now we can’t tell her what’s going on.”

Penny would have liked to say “But I can’t lie to my mother” but she really couldn’t say that. Over the years she had actually lied to her mother a lot. About boys. About sex. About drugs. About drinking. About Kurt. About Leonard. About her life in Pasadena. No, lying to her mother wouldn’t really be an issue. Especially since she was still angry over how her Dad had been treated. Lying wasn’t an issue. Penny’s temper was going to be much more of an issue.

“Bernie, I’m just afraid I won’t be able to keep it together. I might lose my temper and blab about everything.”

“Okay Penny. Why don’t you ask her to come to lunch at The Cheesecake Factory? I’ll just happen to be there and make sure I get a table nearby. If I see you start to lose it I’ll just pop by to say “Hi” to interrupt. How does that sound?”

They went over and informed Sheldon.

“That sounds like a reasonable plan. Remember, Penny, this is about information gathering. Your mother has been on the program and I saw this Hernly fellow with her entering your apartment. There is a connection. We just at this time do not know what it is. Your mission is to determine the extent of that connection. Do you understand?”

“Aye Aye, Captain.”

“Penny, I have not yet assigned ranks to our little cabal and I’m not sure if Captain will be the rank I assign myself.”

“Well, Moonpie, I’ve already assigned you a rank and it’s Best Friend. Probably my best ever!”

“Thank you, Penny. I shall wear that rank proudly. Now, to work.”

Penny went back across to her apartment and realized that was probably the first time she had told Sheldon that he was her best friend out loud, For some reason it warmed her heart more than all of the “I love yous” she had ever shared with Leonard. She replied to her mom’s email proposing lunch at The Cheesecake Factory on Wednesday. Her mother replied almost immediately.

“Sweetie,

The Cheesecake Factory is perfect. I like that place a lot. I met someone very special there. See you Wednesday at noon.

Mom”

“I wonder what that means.” Penny said out loud.


	7. The Cheesecake Rendezvous

**Chapter Seven: The Cheesecake Rendezvous**

Bernadette arrived at The Cheesecake Factory a little before noon. Penny arrived at 10 after. Her mother arrived at 12:15. “Wow,” she thought, “they really do have some of the same habits.”

Penny saw her mother come in and waved.

“Hi, honey.”

“Hi, Mom.”

“How’re you doing.”

“I’m okay, Mom. You.”

“Oh, sweetie. I am so very busy. Between my new job and the show and my new boyfriend everything is so crazy.”

“You have a boyfriend?”

“Well, yes. That’s sort of part of the reason I wanted to see you. Do you know why your dad hasn’t signed the papers yet?

“Wait a second. We haven’t seen or spoken to each other in months because I’ve been caring for my father, your husband, after you suddenly left him and the first thing that you want to know is why hasn’t he signed the DIVORCE PAPERS?”

_Bernadette looked over with alarm. It was starting to look like this lunch wasn’t going to last very long._

“Okay, hold on honey. No reason to go nucular. How’s your Dad doing?”

_Penny caught herself. She was on a mission. She couldn’t let her temper get the better of her. This was her mother. At least she looked like her mother. She may have done something stupid and wrong but she still loved her._

“He’s doing much better. Things are fine at the farm. He’s hired a couple of more hands and a housekeeper/cook. And he’s spending some of his free time down at the church.”

“I’m very glad to hear that he’s well.”

_Remembering her mission, Penny continued._

“So I want to hear all about your new life here. Boyfriend, huh?”

“And I met him right here.”

“Really?”

“It’s kind of funny. At first I thought he was looking for you.”

“Why was that?”

“Well I was wearing one of your uniforms because mine were all dirty and your name badge was still on it. He called me over and asked if I was Penny. I told him no, that my daughter was Penny but she had moved back to Nebraska and I had her job and was staying in her apartment. He ordered his meal and after leaving me a big tip he asked me what time I got off. We went out for cocktails and really hit it off. Then he asked me out to dinner a couple of days later.”

“And you went out with him? He was a stranger.”

“Penny, I’m a big girl. I think I know a nice man when I meet one. Anyway, I already knew a lot about him. He’s a big television producer and he told me that he had deal for a new show that was about to start and might need some help in his office. And he was a perfect gentleman. How do I know? Well, after we had a wonderful steak dinner at a really expensive restaurant he brought me home. He has a really expensive car that the studio leased for him. Anyway he brought me home and insisted on walking me all the way up all those stairs right to my, well, your door. I think that’s when I knew I really liked him. After climbing all those stairs I had to invite him in for coffee.”

“YOU INVITED HIM IN FOR COFFEE!!!”

_Penny remembered that for her mother coffee probably actually meant coffee._

“Penny, it was just coffee. But I was so embarrassed because I was out of milk and Paul said he just had to have milk in his coffee. So I had to run out to the convenience store to get some.”

“YOU LEFT HIM ALONE IN MY APARTMENT?”

“Penny, sweetie, come on. I already told you he had an expensive car and paid for dinner. He’s a Hollywood producer. What could he possibly want from your apartment? One of your Care Bears?”

“Anyway, here’s the part I think you’ll really like. Because it’s really cute and funny. I remember how much you like that Hello Kitty stuff. Well, when I got back to your apartment I found him making notes in a notebook. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was writing in his idea book and that he kept all his best ideas there and it was private. And Penny, it was a Hello Kitty notebook. Isn’t that cute? I decided right then that I liked him. I even thought about inviting him to stay over.”

_Now Penny was really glad she had thrown out her old mattress._

“MOM!”

“Penny, I’m an adult and I believe we have had this very same conversation more than once when the shoe was on the other foot.”

“Okay. Mom, you haven’t even told me his name.”

“His name is Paul. Paul Hernly.”

_And Penny knew where he had gotten the rest of his ideas._

“Paul offered me a job working in his production office, which is pretty small. I answer the phones and help type up the scripts and organize writer meetings and auditions and talk to the studio people. But he still gets all of his ideas from that Hello Kitty idea book that’s so important he keeps it locked in a wall safe that only he has the combination to. Isn’t that cute? And when they started filming the “It’s Chemistry” pilot, that’s a television term for first episode, he offered me a part.”

“That was nice of him.”

“Sure was. Maybe he can help you, too.”

“Ya think?”

“Well I know he really wants to meet you. I would have brought him with me today but something came up at the last minute.”

“I’m sure it did.”

_Penny decided that she had gotten all that she needed from their meeting and that some of it she’d prefer to have not known._

“Mom, this was nice. My shift starts soon and I still have a couple of errands to run. Can we do this again real soon?”

_Penny wasn’t really coming in to work until that night._

“Of course, honey. I still have lots more to tell you. Here’s my contact information. I’m staying at Paul’s house in Sherman Oaks.”

“You’re living with him?”

“I have my own room. It’s much more convenient for work. So, do you think you can talk to your father?”

“I’ll think about it, Mom. I promise I’ll think about it.”

Penny’s mother gave her a kiss on the cheek and left.

Bernadette quickly came over.

“So did you learn anything?”

“Yeah, I learned that my entire family is stupid and dates jerks. Can you look outside and see if she’s gone?”

“She’s getting into her car. She’s pulling out. Wait, Penny, come here. It looks like there’s another car following her.”

Penny saw her mother’s car pull out and almost right behind her was another car and the driver was Paul Hernly.

 


	8. The Plot Clarification

**Chapter Eight: The Plot Clarification**

 

Bernadette went to work and Penny headed over to CalTech to let Sheldon know what she had learned.

“So apparently this Hernly character initially went to The Cheesecake Factory in search of you, for what reason we do not know. He then dated your mother as a ruse to gain entry to your apartment to search for more information to use in his television program.”

“Yeah. And he found it. When I first moved to our building my regular diaries were all packed. I knew that I couldn’t not write about our first day together because it was so, um, different so I grabbed the first thing I could find, a Hello Kitty notebook. I used that notebook probably for six or seven months. It didn’t fit on the shelf with my other diaries so when I gave you those for safekeeping I completely forgot about that one. He must have found it when my mother went out for milk and she was so starry-eyed she never realized he didn’t actually have it when he came in. But why do you think he’s still with her. He has everything he needs.”

“Perhaps he believes that you won’t do anything to him that would cause harm to your mother. He may be with her as a kind of insurance policy in the event his perfidy is discovered.”

“That must be it.”

“Penny, I think we may need to enlist your mother on our side. Do you think it’s possible?”

“I don’t know, Sheldon. I think she thinks she’s in love with him. She wants me to pester my dad about signing the divorce papers.”

“Then we will have to prove to her that she is but a pawn in his plot.”

“How do we do that?”

“Invite her over for dinner. Just her. Leave the rest to me. I need to speak with Wolowitz.”

“What does Howard have to do with this?”

“I’ll tell you later. Are you going home?”

“Yeah, but I’ll be back at The Cheesecake Factory tonight until late. I have a shift tending bar.”

“Have a good evening, Penny.”

“You too, Moonpie.”

“Shorthand this time. Penny. MeeMaw. Moonpie.”

“Okay, sweetie.”

And she blew him a kiss just to see his reaction.

 


	9. The Wolowitz Redux

**Chapter Nine: The Wolowitz Redux**

Sheldon headed over to the Engineering Department, Land of Geegaws, Thingamabobs and Doodads.

“Hello, Howard.”

“Hello, Sheldon. I’m meeting with Dr. Gabelhauser later today.”

“Very good, Howard. I believe I may have an additional assignment for you.”

“How can I be of service oh, captain, my captain?”

“That’s the second time someone has assigned me that rank in our activity. I may need to clarify my rank in my next email to the group.”

“Huh?”

“Of course. Your assignment.”

“Mr. Wolowitz, I require your absolute honesty in responding to the following question.”

“Sure, Sheldon. What do you want to know?”

“Do you still have any operational cameras secreted at 2311 North Los Robles?”

“Okay, yes. But only because getting them out was too involved. I promise that I never, ever look at them.”

“Where are they located?”

“One is above your door. Another is above the mailboxes pointing at the front door. Every camera that was in Penny’s apartment was removed a long time ago and everything they recorded was erased and never looked at.”

Howard looked nervous.

“I’ll pretend I never heard that part.”

“I think I’d prefer you pretend I never said it.”

“The other two, have they continued to record?”

“Um, sure, but to save space I set them to only record a single image every thirty seconds.”

“All right. Here is what I need you to do. Sometime in early August Paul Hernly, the miscreant whom we are investigating visited our building, possibly more than once. On one of these visits he removed a Hello Kitty notebook containing Penny’s recollection of our various interactions from her apartment. I would like you to try to find photographic proof of him entering without said notebook and leaving with it.”

“Consider it done, fearless leader.”

 “Howard, I have marveled at the change that your relationship with Bernadette has wrought in you. I sincerely believe that you have become a better person. But then these ghosts from your past come back to haunt us. Please remember to be appreciative of the life you now have and mindful of how pathetic it once was and could be again.”

“Believe me, Sheldon, I am. Every. Single. Day.”

“Goodbye then. Keep me apprised of what you find."

Howard started searching his hard drive for the images they needed.

 


	10. The Ecdysiastic Proposition

**Chapter Ten: The Ecdysiastic Proposition**

Penny was tending bar that night, wondering whether things would ever be resolved when Paul Hernly walked up to the bar surprising her. She immediately decided to play dumb.

“Hello, Penny.”

“Hello, Mr. Hernly.”

“Your mother mentioned that you had returned from Nebraska. How’s your father?”

“Mr. Hernly, you may be “dating” my mother but I really don’t know you well enough to speak about my family’s private business with you.”

“You are aware that your mother and I are together, though. I do hope that we can get closer as time goes on.”

“She mentioned that she’s living in your house.”

“Did she tell you that I have a big hit television show now?”

“She did.”

“Well, that’s why I’m here to speak with you. You see, I was very upset that you weren’t able to finish my class last summer. Your writing showed a great deal of promise and I believe that with the right guidance you might become a professional writer someday.”

“That’s very nice to hear, Mr. Hernly.”

_Penny was trying to decide exactly what kind of cocktail to prepare and throw in his smug face._

“In fact, the script you prepared gave me the germ of an idea that I was able to turn into my new show.”

“Really?”

“Really. And, because of that I think that I owe you some compensation for that idea. Since we’re a hit I can afford to be very generous. Do you think $20,000 would be fair.”

_Penny wondered what he was up to._

“That’s a lot of money but I’m not sure.”

“Well, we could discuss the amount and possibly more. However, my lawyers and the studio require that you sign this before we can proceed.”

He held out a contract.

“It’s pretty standard stuff. It says you had an idea that contributed to my idea and that I am paying for it so you can’t use that idea again.”

“I’d like to take it home and read it before I sign it.”

“Sure. Go right ahead. But the sooner you sign it the sooner you get the money. There’s also another thing.”

“Yes. Mr. Hernly.”

“I remember that you mentioned in class that you are an actress and I may have a part in the show for you.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Your mother said you watched the show so you know that the female lead, Patsy, works as an, um, exotic dancer, right.”

“A stripper, yes.”

“Well, I prefer exotic dancer. Well, we are going to include some of the other dancers she works with at the club on the show and I think you’d be perfect as her best friend, Antoinette. She would be a recurring character so there could be a regular salary there. And it would certainly help with getting other parts down the road.”

_Penny wondered what reaction he would like to see._

“So I’d be on the show almost every week? That would be great!”

“There’s something you should know ahead of time. I’m preparing to sell the show to the European market which has much more liberal broadcast rules. There will probably be some nudity involved. Do you have a problem with that?”

_So not only was he stealing her ideas from her. He wanted her to take off her clothes. On TV._

“Well, I don’t. But my mom might.”

“Leave your mother to me. Now take the contract home with you and read it over. Give me a call with your decision. As soon as I receive the signed contract you’ll be paid. Then I’ll let you know when I can schedule your audition, which is really just a formality since I’ll be handling all of the auditions myself.”

_Penny thought she knew exactly what he meant by audition. What a sleaze!_

“Sure, Mr. Hernly. I wish I could sign the contract right now but I really should sleep on it.”

“You’re absolutely right, honey. You sleep on it. That’s the responsible thing to do.”

_It was all Penny could do to stop herself from going Junior Rodeo on Hernly right there and then._

 


	11. The North Robles War Council

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the reviews and kudos. We only have five more chapters to go and I'm already working on a follow-up. You'll just be getting one chapter today but it's a long and pretty eventful one. I'll be pretty busy at the New York Comic Con for the next few days but I'll try to get you to the conclusion by the beginning of next week.

**Chapter Eleven: The North Robles War Council**

That evening at the comic book shop Sheldon informed Leonard, Howard and Raj that there would be an update meeting of the Penny Revenge Squad the following evening. As it would be Anything-Can-Happen-Thursday, nobody had other formal plans. When they got home, before they commenced playing Halo he sent out an email to all parties to confirm.

“THE PENNY REVENGE SQUAD will meet on Thursday at 6pm in our regular location. Please submit your reports to me in writing prior to the meeting so I may prepare PDFs and copies for all concerned.

Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, B.S., M.S., M.A., Ph.D., Sc.D., Penny’s Best Friend

On behalf of Penny”

_Thursday prevening, Apartment 4A._

Once everyone had grabbed a couple of slices of pizza delivered from Giacomo’s, Sheldon stood up and was about to speak when Amy interrupted.

“Excuse me, Sheldon. I’d like to know why you listed yourself as Penny’s best friend on your email. Everybody knows that I’m her bestie.”

“Amy, that is not the matter up for discussion this evening. But if you must know, Penny bestowed that rank upon me yesterday morning and I intend to wear it proudly.”

“Just so everybody knows that I was her bestie first and for the longest.”

Penny was still seething from her encounter with Paul Hernly the previous evening but she didn’t want to take it out on any of her friends, especially Amy.

“Amy,” Penny said dryly, “You are all my friends and I really don’t give everyone ranks.”

“But Penny, we’ve been besties for years now. People should know that. It’s on my Facebook page, on Linked In and I’ve even Tweeted it. A lot.”

“Amy, I love you. And I’d never want to hurt you. And, yes, we’re very good friends. I treasure your friendship. But you’re the one who started calling us “besties,” not me. If I’m going to have a best friend, I think that I get to decide who it’s going to be. I’ve known Sheldon for a long time now and he’s always been there for me. I would never have gotten through the last few months without his help and support. So, only because you’re forcing me to say this to you even though I really don’t want to, Sheldon is my best friend.”

Then Leonard stood up and, with his “I know everything” grin declared “And I’m her boyfriend and outrank both of you. So there!”

Penny had finally had it with her homunculus ex-boyfriend. And that was actually the first time the “ex” attached itself in her head. “Well, no time like the present,” she thought.

“That’s it! Leonard. My apartment. Now.”

“Sheldon, sweetie, fill everyone in on what’s going on. I’ll catch up when I’m done across the hall.”

Penny headed across to her apartment with Leonard following, his grin getting bigger and bigger.

Penny entered her apartment and turned around to find Leonard unbuttoning his pants.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, mister?”

“We’re getting back together, right. I figured you’d want to do it in style. I mean, our friends all know exactly what we’re going to do, so if it doesn’t bother you it doesn’t bother me.”

“Stop. Sit. Listen.”

Leonard sat down on the couch, his hand still on the button he’d been working on.

“Leonard, I’ve been putting this off because, well, because based on how it went last time I didn’t want to have to deal with what happens after.”

“Penny, I’m not sure this is the right time to propose to me. But my answer is yes.”

“Leonard, sometimes I just can’t figure out how your brain works. I’m not proposing to you. In fact, I don’t think I’m ever going to propose to you.”

“I’m still willing to wait for you.”

_All evidence to the contrary, Penny thought._

“You don’t get it. Yes, I’ve finally decided to take our relationship off “pause.” But that’s only because I’m switching it to “off.” I’m tired of your snide comments. I’m tired of you’re judgmental asides. I’m really tired of you treating me like a piece of your property. You seem to think that just because you called “dibs” on me the day you met me, yeah I heard you, that you somehow have some sort of claim on me, whether or not we’re dating. I’m really sick of your petty, immature jealousy. I’m tired of you cock blocking every guy I get friendly with. I am not your property, Leonard. I will never be your property. And I will never be your girlfriend again.”

“Don’t be hasty, Penny. I’m sure you’re just talking this way because of all the stuff going on with you right now. It’s the stress talking and I forgive you. Everything will be fine once all this stuff with Hernly and your mom is worked out.”

“No, Leonard, I’m talking this way because I’m sober and have been for months. I’m talking this way because you only see our relationship for what you can get out of it. I’m talking this way because I’m sick and tired of people looking at me as the hot girl Dr. Hofstader is fucking. I’m better than that. Leonard. And I’m better than you. I don’t want to be your wife. I don’t want to be your girlfriend. And if you keep acting like you have been, we might not even be friends any more. To be absolutely clear, Leonard, we no longer have a romantic relationship of any kind. We are not dating. We are not fucking. There will be no late night drunk sex. We are not on a break. We. Are. Over. Deal with it.”

“Now I’m going back across the hall to speak with our friends. Yes, I said “our friends.” You try to pull any of your “bros before hoes” crap with our friends and I will make absolutely sure that there will never, ever be any little Hofstaders. And I can do it in under 20 seconds.”

With that Penny headed back to apartment 4A. Leonard just sat there, colon capital O.

While Penny and Leonard were across the hall, Sheldon tried to bring the meeting to order but had to deal with a whimpering Amy Farrah Fowler, and Howard, Bernadette and Raj speculating about what was going on across the hall.

“No, Howie, I’m pretty sure they are NOT having sex across the hall.”

“You might be right, Bernie. Usually we can hear them.”

“Well, the romantic in me wants to think they are,” said Raj, “but no, I really don’t believe they’re getting back together, either.”

“But my bestie has always been in love with Leonard. And he’s always been in love with her, kind of like a fairy tale. If they don’t have the happily ever after they deserve, I don’t understand the point of it all.”

Penny walked back in.

“Can I have a tissue, Sheldon?”

He handed her the box. She blew her nose and dabbed at her eyes.

“Okay. I have something to say about what just happened and after that it will not be up for discussion. Okay?”

“Um sure.”

“Okay.”

“Whatever you say, Penny.”

“Proceed, Penny.”

“Okay. Leonard and I are no longer together and we will not be getting back together. Ever. It has taken me a long time to figure this out but we don’t belong together. I know that there’s someone out there for me just like there’s someone out there for him, just not each other. You are all my friends and I am your friend and I want it to stay that way. If it becomes a little messy, then I’m sorry. I’m not going to say our relationship was a mistake but I am going to say that we might have thought that it was something that it wasn’t and isn’t ever going to be. And this is the last thing I will say on this subject. We will never, ever get back together and if any of you try to get us back together then, well, you won’t be my friend anymore. Please respect my wishes. Okay?”

“Now, If you don’t want to help me out anymore with this Paul Hernly situation, I get it and I won’t hold it against you.”

Oddly, Howard was the first to speak up.

“Penny, I guess you expect me to take Leonard’s side in this because I did last time, but I just can’t. I’ve watched you two for a long time and for most of it I’ve had Leonard’s back. We both kind of saw you the same way, as the hot Cheesecake-scented goddess across the hall that we wanted to have sex with.”

“Howie!”

“Let me finish, Bernie. But you’ve been a lot more than that. You introduced me to my wife, for God’s sake. You’ve been our friend. You’ve been loyal. And you’ve been a better girlfriend to Leonard than he ever was a boyfriend to you. Leonard is still in the place that I was in when you broke my nose. I’m sorry that I took his side last time. If you’ll have me, I’d like to continue to be your friend.”

“Of course, Howard. I’m honored to be your friend.”

Raj spoke up next.

“Penny, I think I speak for all of us. We are all grownups and I believe we are able to maintain friendship with two people who used to date after they have broken up. But if Leonard does anything to bother you we will all be ready to get all up in his business.”

Leonard had quietly and sheepishly re-entered the apartment while Raj was speaking. He was slowly coming to the realization that the group dynamic that had existed among his friends, wherein most things revolved around him, had shifted. He was no longer the driver. He was a passenger who could even be in danger of being thrown out of the car if he didn’t watch himself. He could no longer assume that his pals had his back. He took his seat and didn’t say a word.

“All right. Now that the floorshow is over let us proceed to the main event. You have all had a chance to examine the materials I circulated. Let’s go around the room and sum up.”

“Leonard? If you’d prefer I come back around to you that would be acceptable.”

“No, Sheldon. I’ll go now. I spoke to my brother, the law professor and his wife, the judge. While they believe Penny probably has a case, it would likely take years before it actually went to trial. And the odds are really against you. There’s a chance, but not a very good one. The studio might settle out of court to avoid embarrassment, but again, that’s chancy. And, Sheldon, on the _defacto_ copyright on materials held in a safety deposit box, that’s kind of a toss-up, depending on the judge.”

“Thank you, Leonard. Howard?”

“I spoke with Dr. Gabelhauser. He was sympathetic. He said that if Hernly were exposed he would have a lot of trouble working in academia again. And that Penny might be able to sue City College, but that’s about all. Mainly he thought everyone would want to cover it up.”

“Amy?”

“My contacts told me pretty much the same thing. The college would probably not want the publicity so might settle out of court. Additionally, Hernly has taught at a number of institutions in the area but always as an adjunct. He currently has no formal relationship with any of them. We might be able to prevent him ever getting another teaching position, but that’s about all. Sorry, Penny.”

“Thank you, Howard. Thank you, Amy. Raj?”

“I learned quite a bit. Hernly’s contract is with TBS. He sold them the idea for the show and they own 51% of it. They also set up a production company for him and are leasing space to him to house it. He claims to have several more shows in development, including a racier version of “It’s Chemistry” for the European market. One more thing. I took it upon myself to call Wil Wheaton because I know he has some familiarity with syndication. He told me that he’s pretty sure he knows the lawyer who drew up Hernly’s contract and might be able to set up a meeting.”

“Very good, Raj. That is quite helpful. And I’m happy to know that my former enemy and current friend Wil Wheaton is willing to aid us.”

“Well, Sheldon, he said that he knows that you would never lie about something like this and would be happy to help you vanquish a mortal enemy. He said, and I quote, “The enemy of my friend is my enemy.” He also said that he would like to help Penny because he owes her one.”

“Yeah, he kinda does owe me, though it’s a little weird to think of it now.”

Wil Wheaton had contributed to Penny’s first big breakup with Leonard in the bowling alley.

“So, in conclusion, it seems as though the official channels, legal and academic, offer us an opportunity for justice, but a long and possibly unsuccessful battle. Luckily there may be another path, which has presented itself to us. It will demand intrepidity and legerdemain.”

“Sheldon, I know you’ve probably been waiting for hours to throw in a Star Trek reference but what the hell are you talking about?, asked Raj.”

“Penny, can you sum up what you learned from your mother?”

“Okay, I had lunch with my mom the other day. She’s working for Hernly, appeared on the show and is dating him and living in his house. She doesn’t know that I know him and I didn’t tell her anything about what he did.”

 “Anyway, this is what we figured out. After I left for Omaha he came to The Cheesecake Factory looking for me and found my mother. He found out from her that I was gone and that she was living in my apartment and then he asked her out. He tricked her into leaving him alone in my apartment and found the diary I was keeping when I first moved in here. It was a Hello Kitty notebook and has my name and address in it and everything. He told my mom it was his “idea book.” I guess she was so impressed that a big producer was interested in her she never realized that he didn’t have it with him when he came in.”

“One more thing. Last night Hernly visited me while I was tending bar. He said he might have gotten a little bit of the idea for his show from my script. He gave me a contract that I gave to Sheldon to examine and said he’d pay me $20,000, maybe more if I’d sign it. He also said that he would give me a part on the show as Patsy’s best friend but get this, for the European version of the show I’d have to agree to be naked. And that’s not even the worst part. He implied that I’d have to sleep with him to get the part!”

“Of course I played dumb so he wouldn’t get any idea how much we know. Sheldon?”

“The contract that Paul Hernly wishes Penny to sign surrenders all of her rights to any aspect of “It’s Chemistry” and it’s creation and pays her a fee to be determined as a consideration for unnamed services rendered. Do not sign this, Penny.”

“I have no intention of signing it just like I have no intention of parading around naked on television or sleeping with that sleaze ball.”

“I never thought you would, Penny,” Sheldon opined. “If you leave the contract with me I will study it. Now let’s move on.”

“Howard.”

“Sheldon asked me to review the security tapes from the cameras I installed after the guys were robbed for the time period when we think Hernly was in the building.”

Sheldon knew that this was not exactly true but decided he would let it go for now in the interest of time.

“I went through hours and hours of tapes and this is what I found.”

Howard put six screen captures on the coffee table, all dated and time-stamped.

“This is a shot of Hernly and your mother coming in the front entrance of the building. Note they are both empty-handed.”

“This is a shot taken from a camera placed above apartment 4A a few minutes later. They are entering Penny’s apartment, still empty-handed.”

“This shot is several hours later. Hernly is leaving the apartment carrying something.”

“Here is a blown-up detail of what he is carrying.”

“My Hello Kitty notebook!”

“Here’s another shot from the lobby and another detail of the notebook he’s carrying.”

“Very good, Howard.”

 “So, now we have evidence that Hernly not only stole the script that Penny turned in as a school project, but that he entered her home in order to steal, and did steal additional materials.”

“But what can we do with that, Sheldon?”

“First, Penny, we will need to convince your mother to ally with us.”

“I’m not sure how easy that’s going to be. And we saw Hernly following her when she left The Cheesecake Factory the other day so he might think something is up. I don’t want to put her in any danger.”

“Penny, while we can conclude that Hernly is immoral and takes advantage of those who trust him, we have seen no evidence that he would do anything violent. “However, I think I have devised a plan wherein she will be in no danger at all and we will be able to expose Hernly and get justice. We will need to work quickly. The longer this takes the more likely Hernly will successfully get away with his misdeeds.”

“First, Penny, invite your mother, and only your mother to dinner at your apartment tomorrow night. You and I will attempt to illustrate Hernly’s actions to her and hopefully convince her to turn on him. She will hopefully be able to provide additional information to us that will help us in his endeavor.”

“Everyone should plan to be at The Cheesecake Factory Tuesday evening. Howard, Raj and Leonard, I have a task for you to perform at The Cheesecake Factory early on Tuesday. Penny, once we have firmed up our plans you should probably speak to your manager and the other staff. We need their permission and may need their assistance.”

“Raj, call Wil Wheaton and see if he can arrange to be at The Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday evening with his lawyer friend and find out whether the lawyer will be available earlier in the day.”

“Howard, please request Dr. Gabelhauser’s presence there also. Tell him it will be my treat. I will speak to him beforehand concerning the role he will play.”

“Amy, likewise speak with the Academic Dean of City College and try to convince them to attend. If necessary tell them that I am willing to present a guest lecture to their students in exchange for their presence.”

“I believe that covers it. This all depends upon convincing your mother to come over to our side, Penny. Do you think this is possible?”

“I don’t know, Sheldon. She’s been, um, unpredictable. But I know she loves us kids no matter what’s going on with her and my dad. I think if we can convince her that Hernly has done something bad to me we have a chance. And once I tell her about what he said last night…”

“Than that is what we shall have to do.”

“You all have your assignments. Additional details will be shared as they become available. Good night.”

 


	12. The Dinner Invitation

**Chapter Twelve: The Dinner Invitation**

Penny’s mother responded positively to her dinner invitation and knocked on her door Sunday night.

“Hi, mom. You remember Sheldon.”

“Hello, dear. I brought cookies. I thought it was just going to be us for dinner since you asked me not to bring Paul along.”

“It is just us, Mom. Sheldon just brought some things over for me to show you. He’s just going to stay a few minutes.”

“Good. No offense, young man, but we’ll be discussing some family business which I’m sure you understand is private.”

“I completely understand, Ma’am. Once I have finished my business with Penny I’ll be running along.”

“Penny, dinner smells delicious.”

“It’s Terriyaki Chicken with Root Vegetables. Sheldon taught me how to cook it.”

Sheldon had, in fact, taught Penny to cook a number of different dishes. They had started getting together on Sundays when she wasn’t working to cook. Penny thought it was probably a good way to save money. At first Penny was surprised that Sheldon was such a good cook but then she realized that for Sheldon cooking was just a kind of experiment. Over the years, through trial and error he had developed a repertoire of delicious dishes. He just rarely had a chance to delve into it since their group, especially Leonard, had a variety of dietary limitations that reduced the available culinary options severely. He was only occasionally baking until Penny offered to be his guinea pig in exchange for cooking lessons after she returned from Omaha. More often than not Penny was happy with the arrangement. There were, however, a couple of “experiments” that had resulted in evenings spent uncomfortably traveling between the living room and the bathroom…repeatedly. But the dish she’d prepared tonight was tried and true and Sheldon had carefully observed her as she prepared it. His absolute silence during the procedure assured her that she had prepared the dish correctly.

“That’s lovely dear.”

Penny’s mother began to think that there was more going on between her daughter and her tall, geeky neighbor than they were letting on. But then she remembered that Penny was actually dating Sheldon’s roommate, Leonard, who was away somewhere during the summer.

“Mom, before we sit down to eat I want to talk to you about something, well, someone.”

“Is something going on between you and Sheldon, here?

Both Penny and Sheldon looked at each other, surprised.

“Um, no, there isn’t. We’re friends. No, I want to talk to you about your “friend” Paul Hernly.”

“Penny, I understand that you may be uncomfortable with the idea of your mother dating but I assure you that Paul is a lovely man and I’m sure that you’ll like him once you know him.”

“That’s the thing, Mom. I do know him. Didn’t he tell you?”

“I’m sure he would have told me. Perhaps you’re mistaken. Perhaps you know someone with a similar name.”

Penny picked up the course catalog for the previous summer at City College and turned to the page with Hernly’s picture and course description.

“Is this him?”

“It’s not a terribly good picture but yes it is. He mentioned that he used to teach. He has so many skills.”

“Mom, I was in that class.”

“Well, Penny, I’m sure it was a very popular class and you were just one of many students. He can’t be expected to remember all of you.”

“There were only ten of us in the class, Mom. He knew me. He knew my name. And he knew my work.”

“I’m sure he just didn’t put two and two together. He’ll realize he knows you as soon as we all get together.”

“There’s more, Mom.”

Penny handed her mother a copy of the script she had turned in for Hernly’s class.

“Please take a look at this, Mom.”

Her mother read a couple of pages and then leafed through, scanning page after page.

“Penny, why would you take the script for the “It’s Chemistry” pilot and change the names to yours and your neighbors?”

“Mom, look at the date. That script was written last summer. All of it. By me. And I turned it in to Mr. Hernly as a class assignment the week before you showed up and I went back home.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Ma’am, this Hernley character has taken Penny’s work and our lives and presented them as his own for, I am sure, significant professional and financial reward.”

“He stole from me, Mom. And there’s more.”

Penny’s mother was beginning to visibly get upset.

“No, that can’t be. He’s been such a good friend from the very first time we met.”

“Ma’am, we believe that your meeting at The Cheesecake Factory was not mere happenstance.”

“Mom, he knew I worked there from the script and from my registration materials at school. I also think I mentioned it in class a couple of times.”

“We believe he went to The Cheesecake Factory with the intent of gathering more information about our lives from Penny to use as fodder for his situation comedy. When you informed him of Penny’s relocation to Omaha he determined that he would gain entry to her domicile in an attempt to gather said information.”

“Mom, he wasn’t being polite when he walked you to my door. That was where he wanted to be the whole time to steal some more ideas.”

“No. That can’t be right. All of his ideas are in his idea book.”

“Ah, yes. The “idea book”.”

Sheldon laid out Howard’s screen captures on the table.

“These screen captures were garnered from security cameras our friend Howard Wolowitz installed following a burglary in our apartment across the hall.”

Sheldon decided it was easier to repeat Howard’s falsehood that was technically true. The cameras were installed following the burglary. They just weren’t installed because of the burglary.

“The first is of you and Mr. Hernly as you first enter the building following your dinner date. Do you notice anything?”

“He doesn’t seem to have his idea book.”

“The second is just a few minutes later on the fourth floor prior to you inviting him into Penny’s apartment for coffee. What do you see here?”

“He still doesn’t seem to have his idea book.”

“This next one is a few hours later. He is leaving Penny’s apartment with something in his hand. This next one is a close-up of what he is carrying.”

“That’s the idea book. I can tell because it’s a Hello Kitty notebook. Remember, I told you that Penny?”

“I remember, Mom.”

“The final two are Hernly in the lobby on his way out of the building with the book and another close-up revealing it as the selfsame Hello Kitty notebook. I’d also point out that he is sporting a very big smile.”

“Mom, you know that I’ve almost always kept a diary ever since I was little.”

“Yes, dear, from almost as soon as you learned to write.”

“Well, when I first moved in here and met Sheldon and Leonard and the guys I knew I had to write about it but my diary was all packed up and I couldn’t get to it. I grabbed the first thing I could find. It was a Hello Kitty notebook. That was my diary for almost the whole first year I lived here. That’s what Mr. Hernly left my apartment with.”

“No, that can’t be.”

“Mom, he made you leave him alone in my apartment to so you could get him milk for his coffee. That was so he’d have a chance to search for stuff he could use.”

“Well, the apartment did seem a little messier the next morning. I thought we’d made the mess when we, uh…”

“There’s more, Mom.”

“At lunch the other day you said he couldn’t be there because something came up, right?”

“Yes, he said he had a last-minute meeting with someone from the studio.”

“Mom, I watched you drive out of the lot. He was following you.”

“No, you must be mistaken. All of this is a coincidence. You’re just being loyal to you Dad. You don’t like me dating Paul.”

“Mom, I wish it was that simple. Last Wednesday night Mr. Hernly came to see me while I was tending bar at work. He offered me $20,000 or possibly more if I’d sign a contract saying I had nothing to do with the creation of “It’s Chemistry” This contract.”

Penny placed Hernly’s contract on the table.

“He also said that he would give me a part in the European version of “It’s Chemistry” but I’d probably have to be naked in it. A lot.”

“You wouldn’t do something like that, would you, dear?”

“No, Mom. I wouldn’t.”

“And the last thing, Mom, and this is the kicker. He said that I’d have to audition with him and him alone to get the part. Do you know what he meant by that?”

“I hope he meant that it would be private.”

Penny stood up, a little exasperated at her mother’s naivete.

“Yes, it would be private! He meant I’d have to sleep with him! He stole my script! He stole my notebook! He stole our lives! He lied to you. He made me a freaking STRIPPER. And on top of that he wants me to fuck him so I get the chance to prance around on TV naked!”

“Oh, Penny, what have I done? I feel horrible.”

“Ma’am, you were taken advantage of by a lowlife. I am given to understand that this kind of thing happens all of the time in show business. I think the pertinent question is “What will you do now?”

“But, I live with him. I have to go back there tonight. All of my things are at his house. Oh, Penny, I’ve slept with this man. Whatever will I do?”

“First, Mom, you’re going to stay here for the next couple of nights. Just tell him that we’re having a little reunion and that we’ll all get together in a couple of days. He thinks I’m some kind of idiot so he’ll probably start fantasizing about doing both of us together.”

“We aren’t going to, are we?”

“No, Mom, we’re not. By the way, I’ll also be taking you down to Planned Parenthood to be tested for STDs.”

“Ma’am, we have a plan that we believe will result in Paul Hernly getting his comeuppance. And we believe that you can play an important part. Are you willing to help us.”

“Of course, but what can I do?”

“Do you know where Hernly keeps the “idea book”?”

“Yes, it’s in a safe in his office, but he’s the only one with the combination.”

“I also understand that you have been handling his calendar and the day-to-day dealings with the studio executives.”

“Sure, but that’s mainly setting up meetings and confirming them.”

“Is there any time in the next couple of days when Hernly will not be in the office?”

“Well, the show is taping late Tuesday afternoon so he won’t be around all day. He probably won’t be around Monday either. He’s very hands-on.”

“I think we already know that, Mom.”

“Penny!”

“Hey, I’m not the one who slept with him.”

Penny was kind of enjoying the irony of the situation. And that she knew exactly what irony was.

“You will go to work as usual on Monday and Tuesday. Since he will not be present that should not be too much of a problem. You will be receiving some visitors at the office on Tuesday. Please give them as much assistance in what they are doing as possible. Plan to be at The Cheesecake Factory on Tuesday evening by 7:30 but be surreptitious about it. Penny will be inviting Paul Hernly to come to The Cheesecake Factory at 8pm in order to collect the signed contract.”

“You’re not going to sign that are you? I know you need money but I won’t have my daughter prancing around with her clothes on television.”

“Mom, I’m not signing anything and I’m certainly not doing any prancing, naked or otherwise. I’m just going to let him think I will when I call him on the phone. I am an actress, after all.”

“Ma’am, this is only a ruse to encourage Hernly’s appearance. We are banking on the combination of his greed and his thinking with his penis to guarantee his appearance. Once there we will slowly spring our trap and, if successful, Penny will end up with significantly more than $20,000 and Paul Hernly will never be able to do take advantage of anyone again. May we depend upon your cooperation?”

“Penny. Sheldon. I will do whatever I can to make this right. He couldn’t have done a lot of this without my help, whether I knew it or not. If I can even be a little part of fixing it I’d appreciate the chance.”

“Thank you. And now I will leave you and Penny to your family business. I have much to prepare.”

“Thank you, Sheldon. I’ll check in with you later. And we’re all having Thai food like usual tomorrow, right?”

“It will be Monday, Penny, so we’ll be having Thai food but there will be more people there than we have on a typical Monday night and I assume that will include you too, Ma’am. It will be our final opportunity to review things before we set our final plan in motion.”

“Okey doke, Moonpie.”

“Penny… “

“Yeah, I know, only your Meemaw can call you Moonpie…, Moonpie.”

And Penny quickly went over and gave Sheldon a peck on the cheek. Exasperated and embarrassed he quickly went out the front door and over to his own apartment.

“That young man really cares for you, dear.”

“Sheldon’s my best friend, Mom.”

“I don’t think that’s all that’s going on, dear.”

“Mom?!?”

“And whatever happened with that Leonard fellow your father was so taken with?”

“Mom, let’s eat. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

And for the first time in a very long while, Penny felt like she had her mother back. It was a start.


	13. The Final Countdown

**Chapter Thirteen: The Final Countdown**

The entire group gathered at Apartment 4A on Monday night. Extra chairs needed to be brought in to accommodate the addition of Penny’s mom, Wil Wheaton and Penny’s friend Zack.

 “Penny, why is Zack here?”

“I figured we might need some muscle.”

“Well, that is possible. Give me a few minutes and I’ll print up a revised plan for tomorrow evening that includes a role for Zack.”

“Have you invited Hernly to join you tomorrow evening?”

“I’m going to do that right now. Everybody be quiet.”

Penny punched in the number. The group could only hear her side of the conversation, which she delivered with a breathy, sexy voice.

“Hello, Mr. Hernly.”

“Yes, it’s Penny. I read the contract and I’d like to sign it but I’d rather do it in person. Can you meet me at The Cheesecake Factory tomorrow night?”

“Yes, I know the show is taping tomorrow. Will you be finished by 8pm? If not I’m available all evening.”

The way Penny said available got every male in the room and Amy a little hot and bothered.

“I’ll see you at 8 then. And you’ll have my money with you? I’m really looking forward to working with you. Bye, Mr. Hernly.”

“Okay folk. We’re all set”

Wil Wheaton stood up.

“I hope this won’t be a problem but my friend the lawyer mentioned what was going on to one of the bigwigs at the network today and they are pretty angry. They believe that Hernly has put them in a really difficult position.”

Sheldon looked concerned.

“Are they willing to delay any action until after we take ours?”

“They would like to meet with Penny, and you of course, Sheldon, first thing tomorrow. I think they’re afraid of the publicity and any possible legal proceedings you guys might bring. I assured them that your plan would probably work out better for all concerned but you should probably go to the meeting with them anyway. In any case, a lawyer and a rep from the studio, neither of whom Hernly is familiar with, will join me at The Cheesecake Factory tomorrow night.”

Penny and Sheldon looked at each other and Penny spoke.

“Thank you Wil. We’ll meet with them in the morning.”

“Penny, how do you plan to approach your meeting with Hernly tomorrow night.”

“Well, he thinks I’m a stupid bimbo so my plan is to act like a stupid bimbo.”

Leonard looked like he was about to say something.

“Leonard, close your mouth right now. The first word out of your mouth may well be the last one you ever utter.”

Leonard leaned back into his chair.

“Anyway, I figured I’d wear something really sexy to keep him distracted, make the little head do all the thinking.”

“Might I suggest the gravity-defying number you wore to the memorial service?”

“Thank you, Howard. That’s exactly the direction I was thinking. Bernadette and Amy, I’d appreciate your assistance in, um, tarting me up tomorrow.”

“Bes…Penny, by the time we’re done the entire Cheesecake Factory will want to have sex with you!”

“I appreciate the sentiment, Amy, but I think we can limit our targeting. We don’t need to encourage an orgy, just one sleaze ball producer.”

“We’ll fix you up just right, Penny.”

“Thanks, Bernie. Guys, I spoke to my manager. He says he can set us all up in the same section and that you can wire the booth Hernly and I will be at and only that booth. Also, no other customers or staff can be involved. Officially, we’ll be a private party. Bernadette has volunteered to pull her old uniform out of the closet and act as our waitress. Everyone who Hernly may have met before will have to wear some kind of disguise. The rest of you won’t have a problem.”

Sheldon jumped in.

“We will be setting up a limited network so you will all be able to observe what is going on between Penny and Hernly. Please use your Bluetooth earpieces. But also remember to converse as though you are having dinner. We need to extend enough rope to Paul Hernly do that he may colloquially hang himself. No matter what you hear or what is said do not say or do anything until I signal you.”

“Remember, folks, no matter what you hear me say, I am acting. I know what I’m doing. Please do not feel like you need to protect me. Especially you, Leonard! If you can’t control yourself, I don’t want you there.”

“I’ll be fine, Penny. Don’t worry. I won’t screw this up.”

Penny gave Leonard an icy stare.

“Fine. Because if you do, it’ll be the last screwing you do with anyone for a very long time.”

“I believe we are as prepared as we can be. To a successful enterprise.”

 


	14. Showdown at The Cheesecake Factory

**A/N 1: Here we go with the big finish to The Body Snatcher Conundrum. See my other note at the end for more.**

**Chapter Fourteen: Showdown at The Cheesecake Factory**

 

Penny and Sheldon’s meeting at the studio went better than expected. Howard texted Sheldon to let him know that arrangements at The Cheesecake Factory had been made. Bernadette and Amy had finished preparing Penny by 7. By 7:30 everyone was in place and the connections had all been tested. Most were listing over Bluetooth. Sheldon and Howard had laptops and were observing the camera feed emanating from a currently empty booth.

At 8pm Hernly walked in. Bernadette showed him to the predetermined booth and seated him. At 8:15 Penny made her entrance and what an entrance it was. Every head in the restaurant turned, not just her friends. The regulars didn’t even realize that the incredibly beautiful woman in the knockout lowcut dress was the not incredibly good waitress they preferred not serve them whenever they came in.

Penny walked over to Hernly, pulled the contracts, two copies, out of her purse along with a pen and placed them on the table.

“Hello, Mr. Hernly. Let’s get this business out of the way so that we can enjoy the rest of our evening.”

Hernly’s eyes were wide open, almost staring.

When Penny leaned over to sign the contracts he couldn’t take his eyes off her breasts, which seemed as though they might fall out of her dress at any moment.

_Penny thought, “Yup, gravity defying is probably right.”_

When Penny slid the contracts over to Hernly for his signature he only glanced at them and quickly signed, while still staring at her breasts. He absent-mindedly folded his copy and out it in his jacket and slid the other over to her.

Penny sat down and said “Do you have my check?”

“Even better, Penny. I brought cash and I was able to get you a little more. $25,000 in total. I don’t want anyone to know you’re carrying this much so let me hand it to you under the table. After handing her the envelope his hand wandered over to her knee and gave it a little squeeze.”

_Penny thought “Oh I so have this guy pegged.”_

“Let me order us some champagne to celebrate. Two flutes of champagne, waitress.”

Penny wasn’t worried. She and Bernadette thought things would go this way and she knew that while Hernly would be getting the champagne he’d ordered, she would be getting non-alcoholic sparkling cider.

Their drinks arrived quickly.

Suddenly, Hernly noticed one of the people at the next table over and asked Penny, “Is that Will Wheaton from Star Trek over there?”

“Yes, he comes here all the time.”

“Do you mind if I go over and introduce myself? I’d love to get him to appear on the show?”

“Well I was hoping we could discuss my appearing on the show? But please go ahead.”

Penny said the word “appearing” as though it had a much more salacious meaning for her than for Wil Wheaton.

“Hello, Mr. Wheaton. Sorry for disturbing your and your friends’ dinner. I’m a big fan. My name is Paul Hernly, Executive Producer of “It’s Chemistry,” the new hit show on TBS.”

“Oh, yes. I’ve heard good things. Nice to meet you.”

“May I give you my card? I’d like to discuss the possibility of you appearing on the program.”

“I’d be very interested. I’ll have my people get in touch.”

“Thank you so much. Enjoy your evening.”

So far Hernly was almost exactly on script, thought Sheldon.

Hernly returned to Penny. And he was back to staring at her chest.

“Well that was fortuitous. Now let us enjoy our evening.”

“Mr. Hernly…”

“Paul, please… I hope we can be friends. Good friends.”

“Paul, I was wondering. You said you might have a part for me.”

“Oh, yes. I certainly do. And I believe it will be a very good part. But, to be fair, you will have to audition.”

“When can we schedule an audition?”

Hernly remembered that he passed a hotel not far from The Cheesecake Factory.

“If you’d like you can probably audition for this evening.”

“But you haven’t even given me a script.”

“Penny, I’m sure you recall that I told you that the part you’d be playing would be that of an exotic dancer.”

“A stripper. I remember.”

“Well, I need to know that you can handle that part before we can go any further.”

“So you want me to strip for you?”

Sheldon, Howard and Raj all looked at Leonard, who seemed like he was about to jump out of his seat. Leonard noticed them and relaxed back into his seat uncomfortably.

“Is that a problem?”

“Well, if that’s what the part calls for. I so want my big break and this could be it.”

“It very well could be, Penny.”

“But Paul, I’m an actress. I mean, I can certainly dance, but I was hoping I’d have some lines.”

“Well, Penny. I’m still developing the part. The happier I am with your audition, the bigger your part will be.”

_“Time to reel him in,” thought Penny.”_

“I don’t understand, Paul.”

“Well, Penny, if your audition moves me, if it touches me, I would be inspired to make the part bigger.”

Penny lowered her voice.

“So, Paul, we’re both adults here. Let me see if I understand what you’re saying. You’re implying that if I were to, um, touch you my role in the show would get bigger.”

“I said what I said, Penny.”

“Paul, I think we both understand what I’m looking for. We’re just negotiating the price.”

“You could say that, Penny.”

“So, let’s say, after I take off clothes, I were to offer you a hand job. Would that get me a couple of lines?”

“It might”

“How about a blow job?”

“That would certainly get you a line or two.”

_“Showtime,” Penny thought._

“WHAT ABOUT IF I JUST FUCK YOUR BRAINS OUT! WOULD THAT GET ME A RECURRING ROLE ON YOUR LITTLE SHOW!”

“Penny, we’re in public. Please, a little decorum.”

“AND HOW ABOUT IF I WERE TO LET YOU FUCK ME AND MY MOTHER AT THE SAME TIME. WOULD THAT GET ME MY OWN FRIGGIN’ SHOW?”

“Penny, I don’t understand where this is coming from. If you don’t calm down I’ll have to leave and you won’t be on television at all. You’ll spend the rest of your life as a waitress in this very restaurant. Now, do you want that or can we just go down the road and get on with your audition?”

“OKAY, IT’S NOT ENOUGH THAT YOU STEAL MY SCRIPT AND PASS IT OFF AS YOUR OWN. NO, THEN YOU GO AND SEDUCE MY MOTHER SO YOU CAN STEAL STUFF FROM MY HOME. AND NOW YOU HAVE THE GALL TO SAY THAT IF I WANT A LITTLE PIECE OF WHAT WAS MINE IN THE FIRST PLACE I HAVE TO FUCK YOU.”

Sheldon signaled Wil Wheaton who walked over to Hernly’s table.

“Excuse me, Mr. Hernly. Am I to understand that you just demanded that this young lady sleep with you in order to get a part on a sitcom?”

“Mr. Wheaton, I believe you misunderstood. Penny here and I have a relationship and our conversation is private.”

“I don’t know. I heard what I heard. And for a private conversation it was pretty loud.”

“Mr. Wheaton, I’d thank you to mind your own business return to your table.”

“I don’t think so. Miss, um, Penny is it? Would you like me to leave?”

“No. I wouldn’t.”

“I’m not going to leave. In fact, I think I’ll invite my dining companions over to join us.”

“Well then, I’m going to leave,” declared Hernly.

Sheldon signaled Zack, glad that Penny had thought of it. Hernly started to get up, then felt a firm hand on his shoulder and felt himself sitting back down.

Wil Wheaton continued.

“Mr. Hernly, I’d like to introduce my dining companions. This is Brian Rosten, chief litigation attorney for TBS and this is Jason Black, VP of programming for TBS. They have some questions for you.”

Hernly was starting to turn pale.

Rosten began. “Mr. Hernly, what do you say to this young lady’s accusation that you stole her script…”

He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a sheaf of papers.

“This script.”

It was Penny’s original script. It even had a grade on it. Hernly started to sputter.

“How did you get that? I can explain that. And I have a contract showing that she has surrendered any rights she might have.”

“In a moment. I’d also like to know how you explain this.”

He reached into his briefcase again and pulled out Penny’s Hello Kitty notebook. By this point Sheldon had come over and joined them. Everybody in the restaurant, not just Penny’s group of friends, was watching.

“That’s mine. It was in my safe. That’s my private  personal property!”

“Miss, have you ever seen this notebook?”

“Of course I have. It’s mine.”

Hernly glared.

“She’s lying. It is my property and you’ve stolen it from my office. I’m calling the cops.”

Hernly pulled out his cell and started to dial when Zack grabbed his hand and squeezed until he dropped the phone onto the floor.

Rosten continued.

“Penny, would you please open the notebook and read what id written on the first page.”

Penny began to read.

“This is the story of Penny. September 24, 2007. 2311 N. Los Robles Ave., Pasadena, CA”

“And what is the significance of the date and address?”

“That’s the date I moved into my very own apartment at that address and met two wonderful, but kind of nerdy geniuses.”

“So I’d like to ask you, Mr. Hernly, why are you in possession of this young lady’s notebook?”

Hernly decided to attempt to finesse the situation. He pulled out the contract Penny had signed earlier.

“This young lady has surrendered all rights to her stories. I have a signed contract right here.”

Rosten, smiling mysteriously, motioned to Hernly to hand him the contract.

“Mr. Hernly, this contract says no such thing. You should know that Penny showed the contract you prepared for her to me earlier today. That contract was very favorable to your interests and very unfavorable to hers. After visiting your offices I took the liberty of redrafting it so that it is now a very fair agreement which you have in fact just signed. It now says that you, in fact, surrender all rights and remuneration for the program “It’s Chemistry” and any other programs in development with your production company. Furthermore it dissolves said production company.”

“No, that can’t be right. I wrote that contract myself. It can’t possibly say that.”

At that point Penny joined back in.

“Oh, Paul, that’s exactly what it says. You see, my friend Wil Wheaton here, we’ve known each other for years. He kind of owed me a favor and when he heard what you had done to me…Yeah Paul, I’m not the idiot bimbo you think I am plus I have some really smart friends. Well, Wil helped set up a meeting with Mr. Rosten and Mr. Black this morning. We showed them a copy of my original script and photos that proved you stole my diary and then we all went over to your offices and my mother let us in and showed us where the safe was. Since you lease the offices from TBS they have the safe combination on a master list. We opened it and found my diary with my name in it and the script that I turned in for your class. I was a little surprised to see that you only gave me a B- on it. We also found some photographs of you with a couple of the actresses on the show. Very embarrassing photographs. Just be glad there weren’t any of my mom or I’d be going all Nebraska on your ass right now. And there’d better not be any. And speaking of photographs, everything that happened here this evening has been recorded so don’t try to put out any “he said, she said” nonsense or it all ends up on youtube.”

At this point Mr. Black spoke up.

“Production on “It’s Chemistry” has been halted. Your production offices have been shuttered. If your previous actions weren’t enough, the conversation you just had with Miss Penny places you in violation of the morals clause of your contract which is now voided. It is unlikely you’ll be securing work with any other studio and, if I get wind that you have, I will consider it my personal pleasure to torpedo it. You will be hearing from our attorneys.”

“And by the way, since your car was leased by the studio, it is being taken back to the leasing company even as we speak.”

At that point Dr. Gabelhauser and the Academic Dean of City College stepped up.

“And you will not find employment as an instructor of any kind at any institution of higher learning in the state of California. Between the two of us we know a lot of people here and all over the country. Stealing the work of a student and presenting as your own for profit is frowned upon, not only in the sciences but even in the humanities and social sciences. Your days as a teacher are over. In addition, we will be contacting all of your former students in order to determine whether you have done this before and will support any desire they may have to squeeze blood from the stone you are about to become.”

Penny moved over to Sheldon and squeezed his hand. Surprisingly, he didn’t flinch.

Rosten, Black, Wil Wheaton, Dr. Gabelhauser and the City College Dean all went back to their seats.

In the corner, Penny’s mother took off the floppy hat she’d been wearing and stomped over to Hernly, slapped him across the face and threw the keys to his house at him.

“Penny’s friends and I moved all of my stuff out of your house this morning, you creep. Oh, by the way, I might have forgotten to turn the water off in the upstairs bathroom before I left. And the downstairs bathroom. And the kitchen. But don’t worry about your stuff. We moved it all out of the house before we left and put it on the front lawn. I hope it’s still there.”

“Don’t ever fuck with my family again!”

And she went over to Penny and gave her a big hug.

Now it was Bernadette’s turn.

“Don’t feel too bad. Here’s a complimentary drink from The Cheesecake Factory for your trouble.”

Bernadette faked tripping and spilled the flute of champagne into Hernly’s lap.

“Whoops.”

As she walked away she whispered to Penny, “That was fun. I never got to do that when I really was a waitress. Thanks for letting me do it now.”

Penny’s turn.

“Now, Mr. Hernly, on behalf of The Cheesecake Factory, TBS, CalTech, City College and all of my friends I’d like to invite you to get the fuck out of here. And, with the exception of if we see each other in court, I never want to see or hear from you again. And I think that goes for all of us.”

Hernley stood up, with a big wet stain in his lap and started to leave. Then he turned around, glared at Penny and said; “You bitch! You set me up! I demand you give me my damned $25,000 back.”

“What $25,000, Mr. Hernly? I don’t remember you giving me anything. Did anyone see him give me anything?”

Almost as a chorus, the crowd yelled “No!”

Hernley started toward Penny. Thinking quickly, she hiked her dress up a little and kneed him right in the groin. He dropped to the floor, struggling for breath, screaming silently.

The entire restaurant broke out in applause.

Zack grabbed Hernly by his collar, dragged him out the front door, and deposited him in the parking lot just in time for him to see his very expensive car leaving on the leasing company’s flatbed. After about a half hour Hernly struggled to his feet and limped out of the parking lot then turned and shook his fist at The Cheesecake Factory like a Grade B villain.

Back inside the restaurant everybody was chattering and Sheldon quickly called them to attention.

“On Penny’s behalf I wish to thank all of you for you assistance in this endeavor. We hope to have good news to share in the coming days but there will need to be meetings and arrangements and contracts and it is just inappropriate to say anything further at this juncture. The Penny Revenge Squad, as I knew it would be, has been triumphant!”

Penny moved to Sheldon’s side.

“You guys have all been wonderful. I feel so incredibly blessed to have you all in my life. Especially you, Moonpie. This couldn’t have happened without your help and leadership.”

And she turned and put her arms around Sheldon and looked up into his eyes and decided, what the hell, and kissed him right on the lips. And surprising her, he kissed her right back. And hugged her even tighter. Realizing everyone was staring they pulled away from each other.

Leonard was bout to say something but Howard and Raj stopped him. Amy stared incredulously.

Penny staggered a little.

“Um, wow.”

“And only my Meemaw can call me Moonpie.”

“Uh, folks, I know you’ve probably all been pretty tied up in what’s been going on tonight and probably haven’t really eaten. Since I seem to have come into some money, dinner’s on me!

 

**A/N 2: So tomorrow I’ll tie most everything up with three little epilogues which include some nice Shenny moments. Then, after a few days we’ll be returning to this little AU that I’ve set up for Season 7 and beyond for just about the fluffiest thing I’ve ever written which will lead into some of the darkest. I’m still writing and haven’t come up with a title yet.**

**Thank you all for the kind things you’ve written, the follows and especially to those who’ve made me a favorite writer. My TBBT fiction is my first foray into the world of fan fiction and I’m enjoying the hell out of it. Also getting ready to show some of it to some of my pro writer pals for notes and advice. And maybe there’s possibility of trying to go pro myself. There’re folks way worse than me that make a living writing.**

 


	15. Epilogues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end of The Body Snatcher Conundrum.

**Epilogue One**

_The Next Morning, Penny’s Apartment_

“Morning, Mom.”

“Morning, honey.”

“Breakfast?”

“There’s a plate warming in the oven. Ham, eggs & toast.”

“You must’ve gotten up early. It’s only 7.”

“Yes, I wanted to get an early start. I think I’ve had enough of an adventure in California. I’m heading back to Omaha.”

“To Dad?”

“I don’t know yet. I hope so. For now I think I’ll stay with your aunt. I sent your dad an email this morning and asked him to hold off on signing the divorce papers. I might have been a little hasty. I think maybe we should try to work through our problems.”

“Mom, Dad and I spent a lot of time speaking to the new pastor at church. She’s really nice and she was incredibly helpful. For both of us. I think maybe she could help you.”

“That sounds like a good idea. I’m not sure your Dad is going to like what he hears. I did some really stupid things while I was out here.”

“Mom, I specialized in stupid for a long time. I think I came out of it okay. As long as he hears it from you first I think it’ll all work out. You still love him, right?”

“I’m pretty sure I do.”

“I know he still loves you. I have faith that it’ll all be okay. You just have to both be patient.”

“Honey, enough about me. What are you going to do?”

“I have some meetings scheduled at the network today and we’re going to talk. Sheldon’s coming with me as my advisor. I think we’ll figure something out. At the very least I’ll be able to pay all of my bills for a while and get my car fixed. That’ll certainly make Sheldon happy.”

“Honey, I think you make Sheldon happy. I saw you two kiss last night. That was not a friend kiss.”

“Mom, Sheldon and me getting involved romantically now isn’t really a good idea for either of us for a bunch of reasons. What we have is working and both of us are happy. If it’s meant to be more, it’ll happen. I think I’m learning to be patient myself.”

“Your father and I still want grandchildren from you.”

“For now you’ll just have to be satisfied with what you get from my sister. When it happens for me, it’ll happen. I’m not in any hurry to force it. When I force it I end up with guys like Kurt and Leonard, who just aren’t right for me.”

“Honey, after what I’ve seen over the last few days, and especially yesterday., I know who the right guy for you is. And eventually I hope the two of you will figure it out. I’m willing to be patient just like you. And I won’t push. And when we speak I’ll ask your father not to push also, And I’ll make sure he drops the “What about Leonard?” stuff. That young man has problems and you are not the solution to them.”

“Don’t I know it? I’m happy that chapter is finally over. Mom, stay one more day. I want to have a nice goodbye dinner for you with all of my friends. You should get to know what we’re like when there isn’t a crisis.”

“Okay. But I sort of already know. Your blood family may live in Omaha, but you’ve got a lovely family in Pasadena too.”

 

**Epilogue Two**

_That evening. Apartment 4A._

The crew all gathered for dinner. Sheldon and Penny prepared a feast. There was something for everyone, even Leonard.

Bernadette spoke up.

“So Penny, is everything going to change now that you’re a big TV writer?”

“Yeah, uh, no. Nothing’s really going to change. I guess I should let you guys know what I decided, with Sheldon’s help of course. We met with the network execs today and they made me a really nice offer. They really liked my original script and they offered me a development deal. They wanted to go back to the basics with the show. Blond from Nebraska moving across the hall from the beautiful mind genius type and his friend Leonard…”

“Hey!” Leonard interjected.

“Just funnin’ with you Leonard. You have got to stop being so over-sensitive.”

“Anyway they liked the original idea and wanted me to write a whole season of scripts before they put it into production. They offered to give me my own production company.”

“Ooooh, my friend is going to be a big Hollywood mogul.” said Amy.

“I hope you remember all us little people when you’re famous, Penny.” Said Howard without a trace or irony.”

“Yeah, that’s the thing. I, um, I turned them down.”

“But that’s your dream. To be famous. I don’t understand, Penny.”

“Amy, let me see if I can explain this, because it’s not easy. When I wrote that script, I wrote it as a class project. I never had any intention of taking it further than that. It was an exercise. The way I see it, putting my life with you guys out there on tv is kind of an invasion of privacy, of all of our privacy. Maybe someday, when 2311 North Robles is just a memory for us, I’ll write something about it. But now these are lives we’re still living and none of you should have to wonder when you do something how it’s going to look on tv, or how I’m going to interpret it. I don’t want you to see me as the girl across the hall that’s writing everything you do down, who has to make whatever you do funny. I think what it really comes down to is what we have here is special and I’m not going to share it with the world. At least not yet. And I would certainly never do it without your approval.”

“Thank you, Penny. There aren’t many who would sacrifice a lucrative career they’ve always dreamed of for the sake of their friends.”

“Raj, I said I didn’t take the deal. I’m not an idiot. The network was complicit in screwing me and they owe me big time. With Sheldon’s assistance we came to an agreement in exchange for me not suing the pants off them and keeping quiet about everything.”

“And about that, I need to ask you guys to not say anything about any of this outside of this group. No posting on Facebook or anywhere else. It’s really a sensitive issue for the network and if it gets out it’ll affect what I got from them, which I think is a pretty good deal.”

“So what did you get?”

“First, I’m keeping the $25,000 that Hernly gave me. I’m using some of it to pay my bills, my rent, fix my car and pay a friend back who loaned me money when I really needed it. Sheldon has offered to invest the rest of it for me so that I can start building a nest egg.”

“Also, when the network takes Hernly to court, if they get anything out of him, I’ll get a big chunk of it. I’m not really expecting much there. I think all he really has left is a house in Sherman Oaks with some really bad water damage.”

“The network believes that I have talent as a writer and sponsors a bunch of writing classes at City College taught by people from the industry who aren’t sleaze balls. They’ve offered to pay my tuition and expenses to help me finally get my degree. And if I decide to go on with my education after that they’ll foot the bill. So it’s possible that someday I’ll be a doctor like you guys. Sorry, Howard. They also promised to make sure that I’m informed about auditions for parts I’m appropriate for and to pay for my acting classes. I already have an audition scheduled for something Wil Wheaton is producing. And if and when I write something I want produced, they promised that they would meet with me to discuss it seriously. And this is the really cool part. Once a month I’m allowed to visit the costume department and take any shoes that they’re done with.”

“So basically, I still live across the hall. I still work at The Cheesecake Factory. And I still want to be a famous actress. It’s just that now I’m a little more financially stable and I’m developing some other options. So that’s the continuing story of Penny.”

 

**Epilogue Three**

_Later that same night. Penny’s apartment._

“Amy ended our relationship agreement.”

“Did she say why?”

“She said that when saw us kiss last night it looked like I felt something that she never saw in me before.”

“Did you?”

“I think so. I’m not really sure what it was. I think part of it is that you are the closest friend I’ve ever had and the depth of feeling I have for you dwarfs what I feel for anyone but my mom, and my sister and my Meemaw. I’m not sure that Amy ever really had a chance.”

“So what do you want to do about that, Sheldon?”

“Well Amy is going back to being a girl who is my friend. I do enjoy her company. I just harbor no romantic feelings for her and never really did.”

“And what about me?”

“Penny, if I said I did not enjoy the kiss we shared last night I’d be lying, and you know what a difficult time I have with that.”

“That’s for sure.”

“I’m just not all sure that I am capable of a typical boyfriend/girlfriend paradigm.”

“Sheldon, I’ll tell ya, I don’t think I’m interested in the typical boyfriend/girlfriend paradigm anymore either. I’ve spent a big part of the last ten years either in crappy relationships or recovering from crappy relationships. I want something different. I want something special and I don’t want to force it to happen.”

“You like spending time with me, right?”

“Of course.”

“I like spending time with you too. Let’s just keep doing that. Let’s not force it to be something it isn’t or may not be ready to be. If something is meant to be for the two of us, it’ll happen. I’m willing to leave it to fate.”

“But Penny, I know you have physical needs that you wish to have sated and I don’t think I can do that.”

“Sheldon, I haven’t been with anyone since Leonard left for the North Sea. I also think that all the drinking that I was doing inspired me to do things and I guess guys that I really didn’t need to do. I don’t do that anymore and I really don’t miss it at all. Kissing you last night is the closest I’ve gotten and, believe me, that was a really good kiss. I’m satisfied to let that keep me going for a good while. Now I’ll admit I wouldn’t mind if you made a habit of doing that but I’m not going to demand it and I’m not going to force it.”

“So are we a couple now?”

“How about we think of ourselves as two very close friends who are playing it by ear. When the opportunity arises, we’ll do things together, but it’s not required. And there’s no relationship agreement. We are inventing something new for us alone.”

“I believe I can agree to that.”

“One thing though. And this is an unbreakable rule.”

“What would that be?”

“Nobody comes between us. Not Leonard. Not Amy. Not anyone. Ever.”

“Penny, would this be one of those occasions when a kiss would be appropriate?”

“Kiss away. Moonpie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: That’s it! Hope you enjoyed it. I’ll be back soon with The Non-Coincident Theorem. Very fluffy. Very dark. Very Shenny. Nobody dies.


End file.
